We all have those days (or weeks, or months, or minutes - it really doesn't matter the length of time) where all you want to do is panic and scream. It could be for a variety of reasons, big or small: someone cuts you off on the freeway, your significant other gives you a weird vibe, your dog eats your shoe.
None of those were my catalyst. Instead, Monday morning I woke up to an email from my bank saying my account was overdrawn. By a lot. I've never, ever, overdrafted my account. Ever. I freaked out. Turns out, instead of scheduling a deposit from one financial institution to my bank, my financial adviser had accidentally scheduled a withdrawal. Whoops. Big whoops. Especially when he told me they couldn't fix it for three or four days. And, you know, the first of the month is coming up. Where things like the mortgage payment and rent get taken out of that same (already overdrawn) account.
I kept my cool with him, as even though it was his mistake losing my shit on him wouldn't change anything. And I was left figuring out how to rearrange things to get by for a few days. The minutiae, the details, were not a big deal. I know they are temporary and that it will all be resolved. But the aftershock of the reality of the situation kicked in: I'm not where I want to be financially. I'm vulnerable and living on the edge of needing paychecks and autodrafts to all fall perfectly on the right days or else I'm screwed. I know I'm not the only one there but this freaked me out.
What am I doing? How am I going to make this work? Should I even be trying to create this business and life? Should I go back to my 9-5? All of the self doubt and the questioning and the panic grew really, really loud.
So this weeks What I'm Into Wednesday is dedicated to the things that bring me back from the edge. That help me to tell myself that I'm okay, that I'm doing okay, and that it will be okay.
Have you ever been in one of these "on the edge of losing it" moments? What helps you?
One of my favorite books of all time is called the War of Art by Steven Pressfield. It's all about resistance. Resistance is that force that tries to keep you from doing what you are made to do, what you know in your heart is your calling. Resistance shows up all the time, in many ways. It's questioning friends and family, it's procrastination, it's self doubt. And it gets louder and louder as you get closer and closer to that ultimate goal that it's keeping you from. And as it get's louder it pushes you harder and harder to quit. It has a thousand reasons why you should just give up. This moment was all resistance in my face. Re-reading that book has saved me many, many times.
It's impossible to be creative and motivated and passionate when you're coming from a place of fear. Sometimes you just need to get out of your own head, away from your work, and give yourself space to be present and to enjoy something, anything. Tomorrow I'm taking the day off and going to LA with my friend Amanda. We're going to hike, get a massage, go to a bookstore, and drink good coffee. And it's going to be amazing. A day off and a day away. It's not selfish, it's necessary.
This Saturday we took our Spirit Yoga teacher trainees to the Self Realization Fellowship in Encinitas to visit and spend time in the meditation gardens. This is another space where the rain we've been getting is magical. The flowers, the greenery. Gorgeous and smelled so good! If you haven't been, it's a perfect space to find a bench and meditate or journal. I spent my time journaling about this idea of being a mindful badass.
Nothing fixes a sour mood faster than a cheese board and some chocolate. A much needed date night happened on Monday night. We created a charcuterie plate complete with too much cheese (never too much) as well as all the accompaniments and headed on a walk to Bird Park to watch the sunset and snack. My favorites? Trader Joe's mushroom brie and pesto gouda and the dark chocolate coconut almonds. Heaven.